Remember the last time I was at Tram Chim? I was a young fruit back then eager to gaze at all the tall Vietnamese girls as they wrapped my spring rolls hoping they'd fry my eggroll as well. But those days are long gone. Two years in this land of long gold digging legs will definitely change anyone's perception.( http://www.kylele.net/2011/10/lot-of-chim.html )
So why did return? Old Boy.
The concept of Tram Chim is actually pretty simple. It's another one of those Vietnamese style restaurants with very little decorative aesthetics and typical Vietnamese dishes, like goi, com chien, seafood, and the suckling piglet. But for what it lacks in fancy tables and chairs, it makes up for in tits and ass. And did I mention legs long enough to seriously choke a guy and his wallet out? Yeah, this is the concept of Tram Chim. A Vietnamese restaurant with very distinct waitresses with specific agendas. I'll let the pictures do most of the talking.
The honest truth is, real ballers don't go here. A lot of pretentious Viet kieus trying to show off their wealth will come here. The dudes fearless with vacation on the brain. Needless to say, the girls will treat them like royalty, they'll exchange numbers, and the sucker guy will return home, miss how she used to fan him at that one restaurant, and she gets a few hundred dollars a month. The universe has a way of balancing itself out. Whatever happens in Vietnam doesn't always stay in Vietnam. Also, the fake dai gia the second or third tier wealthy Vietnamese dudes come here. The real ballers party harder. Saturday night was surprisingly empty because the local men are forced to take their wives and children out. Weekday nights are a lot busier according to a waitress because men often "work" late here.
I felt disgusted with myself at times. I was the youngest person there in a sea of old ass Viet kieus and FOBs. Grandpas were hitting on the girls left and right. Some even shared beer classes with the waitresses. Yay, because beer sanitizes everything -so it's all good. I looked at some of the men, and I swore to myself I'll never ever ever be like them. I'll never ever wear a dress shirt without an inner-shirt.
Now don't get me wrong, some girls were very attractive, and never in a million years will I get with them. But that's completely fine with me. I'm okay with being a penny-less kid in this candy store. Besides, I'm not pants worn all the way up to conceal flabby bellies. I'm not into high heels being worn despite all the pain that they cause. And certainly, I find nothing attractive about girls pouring beers for me or trying to chat me up because they just want a bigger tip. Western Mekong Delta girls or Mien tay girls just don't cut it for me, no matter what direction they're able to bend over to absorb my hard-earned cash.
The chattiest waitress asked me where I was from. She complimented on how cute my spoken Vietnamese was. She asked me what I was doing in Vietnam. She said I was humorous, Yada Yada Yada Yada. Ear plugs please. At times, I felt like whenever she opened up her mouth, her vagina would have done a better job at conversing. She told me how she wasn't allowed to sit down. Literally 10 seconds later, she sat down at an empty table checking her phone for messages from all the suckers that came before me. Her body was fine, no doubt, no straight male would think otherwise, but my boners can only be raised with personality... big personality.. D cup personality. I did my usual bit. Ya know, I claimed that I'm from a cave on a mountain someplace- ya know raised my wolves type of a thing. Viet kieu Campuchia. Former transgender and other self-destructive comments. Girls eat that shit up. I asked her where she was from and she said Tra Vinh. I excused myself and went to the bathroom as tears rolled down my eyes nonstop for a good 15 minutes as I sat in the stall while listening to dudes taking a piss without washing their hands. Out of all the places she could have been from. Damn you, universe. Damn you.
The costs of the food and liquor really wasn't all that expensive if you compared it to other similarly themed restaurants. But the problem is, you have to tip the girls. The meal was fabulous. The suckling pig and the fried rice were decent. The two waitresses attended our tables and their iPhone 5 (too be iphone 5s) for the two hours that we there. Did they really deserve the tip? HELL NO. They each had an iPhone 5 and they weren't shy about using them. But at the end of the day, we still tipped because we didn't want drama. Even though, I won't come back because places like these aren't really for me. We just didn't want the drama, so we tipped. Of course, they weren't happy with the amount. It's funny how our waitresses demeanor suddenly changed. Shiiii - you mean she was lying to me when she said I was cute? WAAA? No way man, I don't believe it. We really had a connection. I'm going to send her 200 dollars each month when I get back home to America. Vietnamese girls lying? No way, Jose. She's going to be loyal to me, she's going wait for me to come back. Then I'll bring her to America and she won't leave me for someone richer. Okay, back to reality here - There are more people out there who deserved it, but we didn't want the drama to ruin the rest of our night. Damn long legs and their false sense of entitlement. Shiz, it's even worse than my sense of entitlement.
So all you VKs out there, zip up your pants, wash your hands, and consider coming here for that unique experience the next time you're in Saigon. I know many of you don't have the luxury of Little Saigon coffee shops, so this might be the next best thing. Who knows, you might get really lucky, and play Santa Claus to a hot girl Vietnam. As for me, I'm all good. Plus, I like short legs.
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