I poison potential relationships on purpose because I am afraid of commitment. I find faults in trivial matters in order to escape the possibility of something meaningful, especially when I imagine my life settled down with one person. Unconditional love has yet to exist even in the tiniest cramped space of my shallow brain. Most likely as a result of no female ever loving me unconditionally except for my own mother. Then again, even that's rather questionable. I did defy her wishes about existing in a subjectively stagnant stage in a place she does not understand at all. The bottom line is that I am better off as the villain chasing after the championship belt. If I were to emerge victorious and capture a title, I would just get bored of it and eventually find cracks to sabotage my long term legacy. Now if this was America, this would be different. This is Vietnam and I simply can't happily date a girl here because I am a person that employs unreasonable expectationsto fuel my motivations towards pursuing romance that eventually grow stale because of unforgivable cultural, language, and personal matters that I can't ignore. I have issues and you enjoy reading about them. Some how in the fray of this we both win. Though my battles with local women here will always cause me to lose. I think I'm okay with that.
As some of you know the recent lady in my life has initially started out with all the hopes in the universe at something more than just a random ballsy phone number exchange. She put thoughts in my head despite all the previous failures that perhaps she was the one worth staying in Vietnam for. Then things finally crumbled and I'm left with similar bitterness in my mouth as before. However, this time, it doesn't taste as bad. In fact, there's a subtle fragrance of sweetness that I don't mind too much.
This is what happened: I took her to Skewers and we had a lovely dinner. Then we went underneath the Sunwah Tower for some smoothies and dessert. And mere footsteps away from her alley, we stopped to buy some mango from a shoulder vending lady in the wee morning hours. Before the night was over I had made up my mind that things weren't working out. I had nothing else to lose, so as I bid her farewell, I told her that I thuong her once again and leaned in for a hug. She cringed and held back so I stopped midway and then it was done. I then waved goodbye as she walked on without saying much of a word and I stood on the corner staring up at the moon.
Let's examine why things fell apart.
- I was afraid of committing myself to her baggage. Whenever she was near me she would express doubts about her future. As the oldest sister she deemed herself responsible for her three younger siblings and for her parents. I never looked down upon her family's poverty, but I didn't want to bare that burden or want anyone that I loved to bare something like that either. Even though I've been saying that I just want to live in the moment I'm already looking down the road. That road isn't very pleasant. The brief unpleasant moments I had with her sister were enough to frustrate me, how could I possible deal with an entire clan of them? What other baggage does she have? Well, her lack of English means that I constantly had to spoon feed her English. Though, I didn't mind too much, but the language barriers does linger on with plenty of moments of miscommunication.
- She just wasn't that into me or at least she didn't actually express it. I couldn't help but imagine life with her and I don't think she would be able to provide me with mental stimulation and support the way my needy ass would want it. I know most girls do it differently in Vietnam. They sometimes find it difficult to express their affection through words. But this is not entirely true. I've met plenty of romantic girls who expressed their desires to be with me not just merely by spending time with me, but their words actually meant something. This girl rarely expressed her liking for me through words. In fact, sometimes she wouldn't even reply to my texts until the morning after. She just wasn't that into me. In the end of things, I sent her a long text telling her how I felt and I never got a reply. Yet she continued to like a photo I posted days later.
- I don't know what unconditional love is. Girls here want guys to unconditionally love them. That is sometimes difficult when my definition of a relationship is two people working hard maintaining something. I couldn't do all the work. I wasn't gonna get any action from a strict Catholic girl. Taking someone's virginity away is a big deal here. In all honesty if she wasn't going to give me sex often then I would just easily get it from someone else. I don't want to be a cheater. I want to be faithful, but I'm still a damn animal. She deserves someone who would be faithful to her even if she withhold sex from them. Hmmm... There wasn't anything that I could unconditionally love about her. Now if her boobs were bigger...
- I just had unrealistic expectations. I always want the perfect girl. The ideal girl according to my f-ed up sense of beauty doesn't exist. Even if she did she would never date me because I don't really have much to offer except YouTube videos and this blog. I wanted a faithful girl that would give me quick sex without asking too much from me in return. The sad part is that I probably would have likely committed to a future with her if she was more affectionate. I'm a sucker like that. Her walls kept us separated and eventually kept me out. If I had taken it slowly, I'm sure she would have fallen for me. I expressed myself and laid all my cards on the table too soon. I did this because I knew things weren't working already, so I wanted to spice things up by throwing unnecessary drama into what was a pretty steady relationship. Aside from the swiftness of how she should have fallen head over heals for me (When will I fucken wake up?) I wanted her to conform to my notions. I didn't like how she ate rice with a spoon. I didn't like how she kept me waiting all the time. I didn't like how she made me work harder setting up dates. I didn't like how she kept saying she was too busy for a relationship and wanted to focus on school more. Yet, at one time, despite my idiotic expectations, I was willing to accept her for her.
I was so into her that I made an effort to see her in the middle of the night when I was finally free. Many nights with minimal sleep yet I continued to grind with the thought of seeing her. The more I felt the magic fading, the more I wanted to see her to recapture it again. If I was able to recapture it, I wouldn't be writing this entry right now.
Perhaps, I scared her off. This situation is rather unique because there was no formal termination. I basically told her that I only like girls who like me back. Her inconsistencies made me worried. I asked her if she was involved in anything illegal and she said no. It's impossible to believe girls in Saigon now a days, especially girls you met at a random coffee shop. After a few exchanges and basically pouring my heart out to save my ego, because remember, I'm actually looking for more of an ego boost, not necessarily a lasting relationship, her failure to fancy me at the same level that I fancied her, created a wave of disappointment that anticlimactically ended things. Perhaps I only wanted to be with her to appear more baller. That novelty died off almost suddenly. As I developed more feelings for her I couldn't overcome the potential hazards of wasting my time and money on someone who wouldn't be able to actually know who the real Kyle Le is because of her lack of English. This got pretty serious and seriousness scared the shit out of me. I'm a coward at the end of the day, but I'm a smart coward. I knew exactly what I was doing this time around.
My departure from her life reminded me of that skinny lion in Life of Pi and how he just left without looking back.
A few hours after our last text exchange, I hopped on a xe om and headed towards District 1 to meet up with Old Boy over some dinner. As I passed the Kinh Te bridge I could see the sun midway in the sky setting behind Saigon's smog. It was beautiful to say the least. Clouds wrapped around its deep orange shade reflecting my heavy heart. I glanced at it once more and took a brief moment to be thankful that not only am I able to witness such a heavenly sight, but no matter how disappointed or relieved I am that this didn't work out, I know that the the sun will rise tomorrow. I'll still be me and I'll still have my youth to continue meeting women not half as good as her. I met Old Boy at Ty Coz, a charming little French restaurant on Pasteur in District 1, and I instantly felt my own baggage lifted. Despite looking like a gay couple in such a romantic setting on the rooftop with the Notre Dam Cathedral splitting the skyline with lit candles to create an ambiance of anal sex, I felt like I could be myself again among friends who share a common language and culture with me. Though, I did regret breaking things up with her before taking her to Ty Coz though, because I wanted all the white guys and their Vietnamese dates to be jealous of us both. I really have self esteem issues.
Dumb people are happy while smart people carry burdens. I dodged a bullet.
The rest of the week looks rather pleasant. My trip to Burma is one step closer to happening and if all goes at planned, I'm going to go to Da Lat for one day this weekend. This was supposed to be our first trip together, but she failed to take my offer seriously while hesitating without a timely response, so I'll just romantically go by myself.
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