Shopaholic

     I never went grocery shopping back home. I am sort of forced to here. I never buy anything with substance. I  never buy a pot roast to cook or chicken nuggets to microwave up. There's two things that I feel that are necessities here, canned fish and instant noodles. All I can find here is tuna in oil. I need tuna in water. I stick with sardines in tomato sauce most of the time. I feel like a cat. I am a cat.

Better than being on a dinner plate

We're sad.

     I like animals. As a little boy I was only allowed to watch PBS nature programs. I thought for the longest time I wanted to be a herpetologist (someone who studies reptiles). I've always kept reptiles and amphibians as pets. I love fish- you know that. I'm filled with useless animal facts and tidbits. I know something about every animal. So naturally, it was destined for me to finally visit the zoo. Many people tend to slander and bash the Saigon Zoo because of it's small size, nonstop littering, and relatively meager animals who looked

We're happy now, but in five minutes we'll be sad again.

like they would commit suicide if they knew how. Yes, all of that is rather true- however, for the low low price of admission and the chance to see animals up close, it's not a truly bad way to spend half a day. I've been spoiled by the Los Angeles, Phoenix, and San Diego Zoos. Hell- even the zoo in Santa Ana beats this place any day. At over 130 years old, the Saigon Zoo has definitely improved from the time my mother last went there. I remember seeing an old black and white photograph of her in front of some tiger cage decked out with her big sunglasses and her large brim hat. She sure looked happy back then. Then she moved to America and had a family and then it all went down hill from there. So the lesson is, don't take pictures next to tiger cages- your life will surely veer towards a downward spiral. But I digress, the tigers and lions no longer eat water spinach like back in the old day (according to my parents). The enclosures might be slightly larger with more branches and old tires for the elephants, yet a large amount of concrete still exists.

We are sad!

        Zoos in America tend to promote animal conservation and protection. The zoo in Saigon's main purpose is for people to look at cool animals behind cages while trying to scare them to be more active than how they normally are. The reptile house was in pretty bad shape. The pythons were all dreadful and unhealthy. The turtles were overstocked and swimming in their own fecal matter. The lack of a heat lamp meant a lot of inactivity for reptiles. I know that Vietnam is already hot, but reptiles always need an extremely hot area in a small area of their cage. The reptiles at this zoo were all pretty lethargic and ready to throw in the towel. Overstocking of animals seem to be a trend here, as the marine bird enclosure was too full and the so was one peacock cage with six male peacocks. The repetition of animals also made it slightly boring. There were too many peacocks, too many peasants, too many Burmese pythons, and too many civets. I guess, variety isn't too important here because the average Vietnamese would not really care about different species of pythons or of civets. The difference between a highland and a lowland gorilla to them? Probably nothing at all. Speaking of which, there weren't any gorillas at this zoo.

Swimming in trash, us otters are sad too.

        Another thing I want to discuss is the fact that a lot of the cages were really dirty. I know that concrete is easy to clean- much easier than loose soil, but the cages were smeared with shit. Examining some of the enclosures made me think perhaps the local caregivers are merely too terrified of the animals to properly clean and care for them. The snakes were in terrible conditions and most of their mammals showed stereotypic behavior. When animals sway or rock or walk around their cages in a repetitive motion, it means they aren't stimulated enough. Elephants in captivity tend to be a prime example of such behaviors because they are such smart animals that require so much in order to keep their sanity. Despite having other elephants around and tires to throw and people to look at, wild elephants travel in huge herds through the grasslands and jungles- covering hundreds of miles a day if they wanted to. Next time you see an elephant rocking its head back and forth in a repetitive motion, it's not dancing for you, it's a cry for help.

I'm sad as fuck. 

        I don't think people really care about animal conversation here. At least the average locals don't. They're here to see animals they see in TV (but skinnier) and to get a kick out of teasing the animals and throwing plastic things at them. People were throwing trash into the otter enclosure as if the otters just lost The Super Bowl by missing a 30 yard field goal. Men would slam on the plexi glass in an attempt to wake up creatures to show off their manliness. One crocodile enclosure merely had the beasts separated from the spectators through thick chicken wire. People could easily lose a finger if they weren't careful. Kids were sticking twigs in the mouth of a basking crocodile. Male goats (billies) were head butting each other and really ripping into each other while kids stood around feeding them leaves from plants growing around the zoo. One father proudly went over to a bush and hacked off a huge branch to let his son feed the goats and sheep. Yay, fatherhood at it's finest: destruction of property for the well being of your son's favorite goats and sheep.

I'm sadder. 

         Over all, the experience was pretty lackluster if you compare to this zoo to ones in America. Simply don't do it. It was fun because I got to observe how kids react concerning animals and the relatively ignorance of people here. I remember how a mother kept insisting that the white tiger wasn't really a tiger, it was just a white cat over and over to her daughter. Come here if you want to be shocked and amazed by the lack of animal rights. Remember, women here don't have rights, how can animals have rights right?
Hahaha, kidding (but not really) aside, come here- it's fun- it's like a cheap amusement park combined with a walking path garden and a bunch of smelly cages. Perhaps, I'm a little positive about this because this was actually a date and I really enjoyed spending time with a girl who I was able to teach how to tell the difference between a female turtle and a male turtle.

I'm so sad, I turned white. 

My balls are hanging and I'm sad.

We're not sad anymore. 

Slides

Here are some pictures of my recent trip up north doing the touristy shit. Enjoy. 

A little worn

     Sorry for the lack of updates. Tet has come and gone and I'm tired. I'm tired of Vietnam. On one bus ride I experienced the following: A little girl had to use the restroom so her mother walked her out of the bus and took two steps and started to urinate right next to the bus. People proceeded to step all over the urine as they walked into the bus without knowing that it was urine. Two guys were viciously beating on another man after a motorbike collision in broad daylight. Everyone stuck in traffic just stood there with eyes wide open. A little boy was crying and his father threatened to beat him. Every other stranger in the back of the bus chimed in in agreement and threatened to all beat on him if he didn't stop crying. A woman borrowed someone else's phone number to call for directions and her husband refused to talk to the person on the outer line so the woman kicked him across the shins until he submitted. The person on the other line hung up when he finally answered. The bus ride from Bien Hoa to Saigon is always a drag. I wish I could afford the 30 dollars it would cost to take a taxi or ride my own motorbike, but compared to a 1 dollar + 2.50 xe om ride back home, the bus is such a bargain. I don't know if I'm willing to ever take the bus like that again. Every time I go back home, dirty and worn out from being so close to the locals who shove and push me without any remorse. I feel so down from having to ride a bus. Vietnam has done a number on me. Work, please start again.
Check back soon for more updates.

Throwing in the towel

I've come to an ephiphany while on my aching back and while nursing my scraped raw knee and flesh punctured left hand that I couldn't endure north Vietnam on a long term basis. I'm cold. It's dark here in Ning Binh. I can't understand anyone and no one can understand me. I fell off my rented motor bike yesterday after it came to a skid from hitting a layer of mud and gravel on the road. This sent me tumbling over with the bike crushing my left knee. I remember waking up to a stream of my own blood trickling down on my chest from the wounds on my palm. I was more concerned about my camcorder more than anything else. As I got up in a panick I instantly fell back down when a shot of pain rushed my knee cap and I fell back down limping around in the mud. Some odd minutes later, my friend finally found me in the dark of night. I lost control of the bike because the road from Bai Dinh Temple back to the main Ninh Binh center was only lit by the illumination of other few and far in between motorbikes. The worst part of all was that the lights on the bike stopped working all together. My night vision isn't the best. I'm like a monkey at night minus the quick reflexes. The cheap hotel helmet did nothing for me. It was so tiny on my 7 5/8 head that I couldn't even buckle it up. This has taught me to slow the fuck down back in Saigon. I'm a speed demon but my pain tolerance is next to nothing. But what does this have anything to do with giving up on the north? Well even before this fall I've already called and rescheduled my flight back earlier than originally surmised. I'm fed up of the lackluster salty food here. I am drooling just thinking about the Superstar that will dance around my groaning belly. Yes, for once in so many days my stomach won't be empty anymore. My stomach acid won't eat their stomach lining giving me ulcers. Food poisoning took me by surprised and violently thrashed me around for a day when I first arrived in Ninh Binh. The scenery here in the north with its limestone hills and grottos sure beats the south's bushy swamps, but the harshness of the winters here led me to the conclusion that I couldn't thrived here as a Viet kieu with a southern dialect. I feel out of place more than ever.
Tonight I'll be sleeping with the forest creatures in Cuc Phuong National Park and by this time tomorrow I'll be on a flight back home to Saigon to experience how Tet is in Vietnam. I can't wait to eat.

True Story

    On a little Chinese mini van up to Thanh Da from Dong Dang, a man on his motorbike was knocked over by a lady exiting our vehicle. She got out to yell at him while his mangled body laid on the ground. He got up to his feet still in shock to her angry voice pounding away at him. The occupants in the van all agreed with her that he was at fault and that he shouldn't have been riding so close to the vehicle to begin with. John and I stared at each other in shock. The lady clearly at fault even went out to check on the door while continuing to bash him miles down the road.
      Let's flashback a few hours and I found myself waiting for two local Tay ethnic girls I met the previous night. They were of course very modernized in their dress and blended in without any major differences from the Kinh or the ethnic Vietnamese people. Their Vietnamese was a strong northern dialect that I couldn't decipher between a native speaker and a non native speaker. They were similar to me in the fact that we both learned Vietnamese as our second languages, but clearly they were much more proficient than I will ever be. We decided that it would be a good idea to go to neighboring Dong Dang town, which is the last town before China as well as Thanh Da, which is like an outdoor market area right along the boundaries. Even in Lang Son, the affects of made-in-China products was over felt, but the closer we go to the border, the worser and worser the products became. Of course, they also got cheaper and I compelled to almost buy a pair of super cheap knockoff shoes that looked amazing for five dollars. Upon trying them on I realized that there was absolutely no sole support whatsoever. Sure, my Lakais were probably made in China too, but at least there was some quality control. These products found along the border are valued only at their worth, which ultimately means if they are dirt cheap then they are likely cheap dirt.
    My goal ultimately was to get as close to the border as possible in hopes of obtaining a transit visa for a few days. The Vietnamese with passports can easily acquire such a thing, however when I approached some agents they were reluctant to deal with me as soon as I mentioned that I was an American. They shook their heads no and waved me away. Talking to smaller touts who approached me about whether or not I'd be interested in guns, knives, electric cattle prongs, or Viagra, also was useless. It wasn't a waste of time though, they were rather serious while the smiling expression on my face couldn't send them a message. They suggested that taking their magic blue pill would make me super horny. I replied that I was already too horny. I wish I had captured this moment on film. They would have ran the other way though.
      So, so much for China, but that's okay, I had a good taste of what the other side of the border could have been like with Thanh Da. There was a mix of ethnic Chinese, Hmongs, Tays, and of course the lovable Kinh people all over the place. Of course, John and I were the only ones speaking English, which meant that everyone thought we were naturally Chinese. Hanging out with the Tay girls were a complete waste of time. Lack of education really has a negative affect on a person. They had no idea of how American life was and kept asking me questions that reminded me of home. They asked are the houses in America like this, are the roads like this, are the foods like this, etc etc. It's so hard to generalize American culture. They couldn't fathom that America is a vast place. I got pretty fed up with how ugly they were even though they were nice. They were the first Vietnamese girls that I randomly met off the streets who haven't tried to use me. I like it when girls don't use me. They were super nice to us and they seemed like real legit people. Unfortunately, we had nothing in common and I suspected that they were ethnic minority prostitutes. Oh well, it was an experience though. I also realized how uncomfortable it might be for others when John and I speak English with each other. I was very uneasy when the girls spoke their native tongue when I was around.
      After dropping them off at their rented room, which resembled a horse stable, John and I got back to our hotel and crawled into our beds and napped for hours to escape the cold. Unfortunately, upon waking up, the sun was down and we were even more cold. We are leaving here for some place slightly warmer tomorrow and I have already given up on North Vietnam beyond Hanoi. The weather right now is just way too cold for two guys from Saigon from SoCal. It doesn't make sense to be this miserable anymore. Oh by the way, the massages here in Lang Son were beyond shitty. What a waste of time and money. The grilled produces here, like grilled chicken legs and grilled pig parts were off the hook though and one reason how I was able to stay another day without balling my eyes out. Come to think about it, we had fun here. After meeting those girls last night, we actually got back to our hotel room and prepared to sleep and they called us again to hang out into the early morning hours. Our hotel receptionist / owner was rather pissed off and I looked back to see how brave and maybe careless we were to hang out in the bitter cold with two slutty looking ethnic girls. They got some free food out of us and a few taxi rides, but in the end, I feel much more rewarded for having the chance to enlighten them about the land of milk and honey. Now they know that Americans hate to chew their food and Americans all shit on gold toilets. Viva America and goodbye Lang Son.

Cold

      I'm sitting and watching my own breath and typing away at this entry with frozen fingers thinking why the hell did I elect to come up here in the first place. Here is Lang Son, which is less than 200 km away from Hanoi, yet the temperature has dropped about 20 degrees. I'm really feeling the affect of the higher elevation combined with the cold. Since arriving, I've slept for about six hours and I haven't been able to move. Luckily, I have hot water here, but no heater. Walking around the market area I was met with a lot of stares. They don't get many visitors here I bet. I found out that my hotel in Hanoi ripped me off by 120,000 Dong- everyone else paid 100,000 to get here from Hanoi. The ride was uneventful and plenty mediocre- a typical private van company that only cares about stuffing itself to capacity and nothing about passengers' comforts. Lang Son reminds me of Siberia. Da Lat can be this cold, but it lacks the crispness and the dread that I feel here. Da Lat's touristy vibes reminds me of a ghetto Swiss Alps, while Lang Son is rather gloomy and depressing. Everything is made in China here. I'm very cold. I don't want to spend money to buy an extra jacket or gloves or anything that I can't wear again in Saigon. I like how I haven't sweat in days. Not sweating feels good. Oh yeah, there's plenty of hot girls here too. I really like northern girls. Tomorrow I'll go to Dang Dong, which is a border town and will attempt to get into China without a visa. Let's see what happens. I have a lingering headache. There's a mixture of people living in this area, but they all look too Kinh for me to really care. All the Tay and the Hoa people aren't easily distinguishable. I was looking for an ethnic minority experience... originally planning to go to Ha Giang, but my damn hotel in Hanoi insisted I go to Lang Son instead. Oh man, it's cold.

A few things: Hanoi

    The lights around Noi Bai International Airport pales in comparison with Saigon since this airport is much farther away from the city. Peeking outside the plane's window and seeing the sparsely scattered planes on the tarmac with the eerie night mist reminded me of a scene straight out of a Soviet Cold War base. Hanoi's chill during January is like California's late November, completely ideal during the day time with great opportunity for a nice knitted sweater and at night, well nights are amazing. There's a lot of money here. The Vespas, Liberties, and SHs confirmed that. The Old Quarter is so much better than Pham Ngu Lao. Locals actually shop and live here and there's definitely less white people concentrated in one corner. I spent about five hours just cruising up and down the area around Hoan Kiem Lake and I'm on clloud nine right now. The weather's great, Hanoi girls are so beautiful, and the northern dialect is like a whole another language to me. I think I've fallen in love more times in my short time here than in District 1. The lack of heat and humidity allows for more girls to wear make up and the extra required layers means girls are way more fashionable here. These two variables make for an improved Vietnamese girl. Don't forget about all the expensive bikes around- some with both side mirrors removed- something you don't see in Saigon. In Saigon everybody takes off at least one- here some players remove both - and some don't even bother to wear helmets. The women here are great. I've been imaging what life would be like if I married a high ranking government official's daughter with a sexy voice. I can't get enough of the northern dialect. When girls speak slowly and calmly, I just melt away. The Hanoi horns seem to be a lot louder than the horns in Saigon and people tend to have their fingers glued to their horns even more often. The food costs seem comparable. Hanoi is not cheap at all. Speaking with a southern dialect has made me realized just how white people feel in a foreign country. People are constantly trying to rip me off. A lady wanted to sell me a bottle of water for 35,000 dong and a girl offered a peeled guava for 40,000. I laughed at her and moved on. A xe om driver wanted 100,000 for an 8 km ride. I finally ate bun cha and a full multiple course snake meal. Both were delicious but a little on the expensive side. Did I mention that I really really like the girls here?  I went to Le Mat village in the Long Bien area to eat snake and the neighboring area with old houses and narrow alleys reminded me of a exactly how China would have felt. The mist and the cold made it so mysterious and foreign. I'm really digging it here. I'm really digging the northern girls. When I go back to Saigon, I'm going to date Vietnamese girls with the northern dialect. Hanoi during the winter time is definitely worth the visit. If Saigon had Hanoi's climate I'd be so happy. .. Is anything really that ideal?

Frailty thy name is...

     My recent departure from the one potentially "serious" relationship I've had here have recently led me on a spiral towards throwing my time and energy towards dysfunctional women. I've been meeting plenty of girls- diverging away from my routine of meeting none. The internet has made it too easy and these girls are falling for me as if I was the bee's knees. I just tell them straight up who I am and what I do and pretend my Vietnamese isn't very good. I really don't have to try all that much with the latter. They find lack of language skills cute. If only I could feel the same way about them- then I wouldn't be hot and bothered all the time here. Now girls who go online to seek relationships are either really desperate or really ugly. This sounds a lot like a certain blogger initials K L that you might be familiar with. Yes, it's true, I was desperate for a while to escape the torturous notions of that one "serious" relationship that ended up with no reciprocation for all the wrong reasons. Sure, I'm needy, but I'm loyal and generous. Hell- any pretty face could easily earn all of my money if they would just wink at me. Yeah, I'm a sucker. But let's digress from this notion of my weaknesses for a moment, we'll get back to them, I promise you that.
       My strategy is quite simple. Hit up the most attractive looking girls while ignoring all the average ones. The hotter the better. The sluttier the better. The more drama and conflict the better. The higher the maintenance the higher the penis rises. Does that make sense?  I've gotten replies back to every single attempts and many have been eager to meet me in the flesh. Why wouldn't they right? A chance to eat and drink for free? The first person I met was actually rather lovely and charming. She wasn't so bad looking in real life. I was prepared for the worst because girls usually only post up their best pictures and after seeing more of her pictures in better resolution, I was a little nervous. She was nice, thoughtful, and ideally, any normal guy would love to date her. Unfortunately, I am not a normal guy. I couldn't get past certain superficial things. I'm not looking for a super model or a Vietnamese Tyra Banks, but I like girls who don't have hairy arms relatively good teeth. I'm not asking for sparking white straight bleached pearly teeth in toothpaste commercials, I just want someone who doesn't have yellow teeth. Is that too much to ask for?
I couldn't get past those certain things. Conversing with her was nice even though she was 10 minutes late. That's another thing about people here... when you say noon sharp, they think it's okay to come at 12:30. Is it just women's games? Is it just the traffic? Is it because they aren't that thoughtful to begin with? Either way, as she walked in I was already in a bad mood from the tardiness, as I had arrived 10 minutes early before the scheduled meeting point. I guess I'm thoughtful and I didn't want her to judge my based on my shitty motorbike. Oh man, I have more issues than I originally figured. Add lack of confidence in my mode of transportation as another weakness on my list.
      I was bored. Engaging with her felt like walking on pins and needles. I did most of the talking because she was a log, who often added Vietnamese customs that I should follow. Oh man, talk about controlling already. I think Vietnamese girls don't read up on "WHAT NOT TO DISCUSS ON THE FIRST DATE" This girl was firing at all the wrong cylinders. She asked me about marriage and past girlfriends. What a big turn off. I'm fucken 22 years old- fresh out of suckling my mom's nipple- yet laying down the idea of marriage just 35 minutes after meeting me seems reasonable? I thought 22 year olds in this country are still spending their parents' money and eating off their parents's plates. Talking about past flames and past relationships is never ever a good idea. In the end I wasn't too mad. I'll just accept it as her ignorance and lack of social experience. After I bid her an awkward goodbye, I knew that even though I wasn't that interested, I wasn't completely against a potential future fling either. She was cute, no doubt, despite her flaws, but luckily she wasn't all countryside, but still relatively countryside. Perhaps it was just my prior preconceptions and knowing exactly what mountain she was from made me put rural notions upon her shoulders. Older men were checking her out. Remember, I like girls who have high value. I like girls who like me but have like five other guys chasing her. In terms of high value, did she really have any? Well, all notions were lost and the camel's back was broken when she asked me later on if I could teach her English. This was after trying to assert her bossiness by reminding me to take medication on my trip to the north today. Wow, stop telling me what to do!! Hahaha. Oh man, I have issues. Anyways, in the end it reverted back to more taking than giving. Another relationship potential squandered because the girl clearly wanted to use me more than just being with me. I had a tiny glimpse of hope when she didn't ask me how much money I made, but my red flags should have been raised when she asked me how much my monthly rent is. After barely knowing me, how can someone ask for such favors so quick? My initial response was, okay pay me 20 dollars an hour and free sex on top and then I'll teach you English. But I'll be sure to teach you everything wrong so you'll learn never to ask a favor from me when you haven't done anything for me yet. Sorry, but I'm not that nice. My time is valuable. I'm only nice to hot girls. Sure.. I'm going to work hard all day and come home and teach you English when you don't know jack shit? What am I? A local Vietnamese English teacher? Are you kidding me? Are you that delusional and think that I'm that into you when my responses to you over IM have simply been one worded answers? Wake the fuck up. Lol. Okay, I shouldn't be too hard on her. But wow, what a great way to severe a friendship.
      Then we have girl number two who was a total fraud. She had posted fake pictures of someone else on her profile. These pictures weren't your typical fashion model or glamour poses that can easily be spotted as fakes. These were pictures of a very cute in candid shots. After seeing her walk in through the door I asked crassly if this was a joke. She didn't know what I was talking about and I asked her why she would post up fake pictures like that. She didn't have a response so I joked and said is it because she's more prettier than you and that's why you want to be her? And she said yes. "Da" she said. I looked down at the menu and spent the next half hour trying to swallow my fried rice. Now this fake girl wasn't all that bad. I mean on the ugly scale of 1 to 10 she was actually maybe a 4 or a 5. Not that bad, but unfortunately, I felt betrayed because I was expecting someone much more attractive and sexier. When you let Lil' Kyle down, all is lost. Don't you hate it when you lose an erection? I do. Our conversations got no where. She kept on saying "Da", which is yes but in a very submissive way that gets annoying quick. I actually prefer "van" or ya" over "da". I told her many times to stop and her brain dead response was, "I'm used to it." At the tender age of 20, she reminded me of a 14 year old country side girl. Oh wait, she was from the countryside... So the typical college girl crowd has failed me again. I've tried it all. I've tried to date poor girls, factory girls, rich girls, and now college girls. Oh man, I have nothing in common with any of these girls and the girl that was staring at me from across the table was no exception. I bid her farewell with a cold shrug and went home to block her from Yahoo Messenger for being a liar.

        Lesson learned.
By the way, have you guys noticed a recent lack of ads? Advertisement was a huge mistake on my part. I apologize for it. I also removed all ads from my videos on YouTube as well. If you really want this blog and videos to be as well rounded as they are, please don't hesitate to donate. I'm hungry! Please consider it and I will be forever grateful during these tough times of getting my hours taken away and given to an old  hick white man former 50 year old virgin who got married to a local Vietnamese woman without realizing that the Vietnamese spoken language has more than one dialect. For this reason, you need to help a starving brother out!! This is imperialism all over again!

China Unbound

Looks like getting a visa to China was harder than I thought. The ultimate worth was simply out of budget for the amount of total days that I could spend in China, so cost wise, it wouldn't make sense. With my flight already booked to Hanoi, this will be a good chance to travel up north again and the first time during the cold season. This will be fun, but I'm totally unprepared with no itinerary. I'll hit up Ninh Binh and Hai Phong and will try to get into Lao. Until next time, please stay tuned for more!!!

What you've been waiting for

Chilled

This side balcony is shit.

   My apartment lacks a conventional balcony so drying my clothes has been a rather pain in the ass. The side balcony does not get direct sunlight so most of the clothes will dry in soggy conditions leaving them with an unpleasant moldy odor. What makes matters even worse is that my clothes drying rack has limited spaces. Of course I am not mentioning the fact that I don't really have enough coat hangers in the first place. So a few days ago I was doing two loads of laundry because I had forgotten that I had dirty clothes scattered all over the place. Scattered clothes start looking clean once they start to form a big pile. I finally did laundry and found myself in a very uncomfortable situation of not having enough places to hang my wet clothes. So I improvised and did this:

Why not?

   One thing I do miss about America is wearing clothes fresh out of the dryer on a cold day. I remember how my clothes used to smell with that static sheet thrown in. Oh man, I really miss having someone do my laundry too. Don't get me started about ironing. -It's a half day affair.

Another one

Hey Spider-man, I dare you to visit Vietnam. 

    It was bound to happen. Like every other expat blog on Vietnam, my blog will feature something something something on the crazy telecommunication wires here in Vietnam. I've avoided this for the longest time, but it's just so fascinating to them that I couldn't pass on it. This country is all sorts of chaos and these wires could simply be another metaphor about life and culture here. Yes, a bunch of black wires wrapped around each other while dancing around a pole like a massive wire orgy with all sorts of electrical licentiousness. Yup. This is exactly Vietnam is.

Shit, my posture's bad.

                                     

Yesterday's Icon

Such an icon... at least during the day time

            I can't imagine what's more iconic of Saigon than Ben Thanh Market. Now a days it's an oven for trapping tourists. It seriously needs a central cooling system and it needs to stop allowing beggars to harass tourists inside. I'm not here to bitch and moan about this place and its lack of service or the fact that "No Photo" cards annoy the shit out of me, but I want to discuss something that I haven't noticed before. No no no, I've noticed that Ben Thanh Market is a shit hole. I've became aware of that the first time I step foot inside actually. I'm here today to raise awareness about the neon like lighting that lights up this place at night. I haven't noticed it until a few days ago. Perhaps it's because I'm seldom in this area at night or maybe I just haven't noticed because I'm trying to fight with 10,000 other motorbikes during the evening's stampede home. I've discussed that I'm a fan of night time lighting and flashy displays, but there's really something not right about adding modernity to this rustic place. It takes away from the friendly neighborhood vibe that this place one had to a cheesy modern-wannabe concept to attract onlookers. The market itself closes rather early, but the two adjacent side streets blooms nightly into a market of its own. The market has less bull shit but still has outrageous prices compared to District 8. I know it's fine to charge the white people a little bit more, but whenever I open my mouth to buy something, I'm slashed and "chem" just like a foreigner. No matter how hard I try to talk like a peasant laborer that I appear to look like. The thing I like about District 8 is that people won't over charge me when they find out I'm Viet kieu. They just give me dirt looks and occasionally spit on me. Getting spit on > Having to pay a 40 cents more for sticky rice

       I was shocked to see this lighting system. It must have been something that I've missed in the past. I don't like it all. It's not classy at all and reminds me of a sleazy cafe or a crack house disco. So tell me what you think about this lighting display. Does it negate the history and longevity of such an icon? Is this a sign of rapid modernization that will sweep Saigon under a rug forever and pave way for more towers and department stores where nobody ever buys anything? By the way, anonymous comment posting has been suspended indefinitely because too much spam from users impersonating people I know. It's such a waste of time and I plea you children to grow up. I thought moderating comments would help, but when I am getting 40 comments from the same people pretending to be different people it gets really old really fast. If you want to post, you're gonna need a Google account. I'm not a blog nazi, but I'm not exactly a blog Mother Teresa either.

Hardee's

           I've been aware of the presence Carl's Jr in Vietnam about nine months ago when I was researching for my eventual tenure here. The thought of such an iconic franchise in Vietnam put my mind at ease because without them some guys would starve. I grew up on their raunchy commercials where the hamburgers look twice their actual size and the condiments always dripped at the most convenient locations. I grew up on the Spicy Chicken Sandwich and always ordered the Fish and Chips, but eventually I got sick of having to drive around and park and wait for it because ordering deep fried shit in the drive through was never a good idea. Should have saved gas by walking in. I've had my fair share of Six Dollar Burgers and I stopped eating Famous Stars in the fifth grade and gravitated towards the Super Star with cheese shortly after. No wonder I was so fat.  

            My combo order turned out to be almost 9 dollars which is about three dollars more expensive than back home. But it was worth it. The hamburgers were huge. I was surprised to see just how big a Super Star was. The quality was comparable and the decor in the restaurant made it actually feel more like a restaurant. Not only do they bring your food out to you (just like back home), but they will actually clean up for you too. So after you are done eating, you just get up and prance your way out the door like some wealthy son of a bitch who doesn't clean up after himself and the poor peasant laborer has to clean up for you. To me it's kind of bull shit. I refuse to just leave my dirty napkins and leftovers for someone else to clean. It's as simple as walking a few steps towards a trash can and dumping what's on the tray into the waste bin's hole. I'll never get used to this Vietnamese style, but then again I understand their whole mentality. Service is what separates these franchises from the local joints. The local restaurants virtually has no service whatsoever. You walk in and you order and they waiters and waitresses just takes your order and brings out the food. They hardly know anything about what their restaurant serves and they aren't in the mood to talk about food preparations. These higher end prices, people expect better western style services and a level of comfort that beats competitors. The decoration was far more stylish than any restaurant in Little Saigon, with it's own LCD screen and plants in vases and shit like that. Not to mention a star carved into the damn ceiling. I love the fine details.

          This was very filling and I'm very happy that I finally decided to break bad and consume my staple from back home. Maybe it's because I haven't had a hamburger in months or I forgot what beef tasted like, but this burger was the best Carl's Jr burger I've had ever. I don't remember if they had the Six Dollar Burger, I wonder if they'll call it a 10 Dollar Burger..

By the way, there are two Carl's Jr here in Saigon. One in District 1's Vincom Center and one actual restaurant in Phu My Hung. I'll definitely come back to get fat.

Breast Milk

                 I haven't been that adventurous when it comes to trying out exotic Asian fruits so far. I've played it safe and have mostly eaten bananas, water apples, and over priced American apples. So the caimito seasons seems to be around the corner and I picked up half a kilogram to try. Now this fruit in the Chrysophyllum family is also known as a star apple or a vui sua here in Vietnam, which literally translates to breast milk. As you can see from the pictures, the surprisingly sweet sap inside offers the consumer a pretty amazing sensation. It's not over sweet, but it's much more fragrant than a sapodilla for example. It is on the little expensive side, but by and by, it's worth it's weight in dong. I don't see it being offered in smoothies (sinh to) here at all- largely maybe because of its price or its rarity depending on season. It's a really enjoyable but messy fruit to eat- but then again, aren't the most enjoyable things usually the messiest? Yeah, cajun crawfish eaten from a plastic bag back home? Or maybe eating hairy pussy? That's kinda messy? Could get some hair caught up in the throat? No? Don't go there Kyle? Okay... But I digress, this is an excellent light fruit, but you know, the real vu sua tastes a lot better.

China Bound

I'm eating dinner right now, but I had to stop in the middle of it to post this up because I'm so excited. I haven't been this excited since the season finale of the Amazing Race 2 back in 2002. I'm going to China. That's right. China. The place where dreams are made. In two weeks, my two week vacation for Tet, will take place largely in China. After being denied a visa for Burma, largely because they wanted me to book a tour and show proof of hotel stay, I decided to throw all of my savings and empty all of my accounts into this once in a lifetime trip. I won't be seeing any great walls nor will I see Shanghai, but- I will get to see Southwestern China, with all of its landscapes and history. I've been studying China for the past few years and finally, I get a chance to visit. Money will be a huge issue. This is a serious risk because I am only working 10 hours a week right now. Hopefully, when I come back, I'll still have enough money to pay rent. The landscape and the potential videos that I can film made me throw all rational notion away. Who cares. Let's just fucken do this shit because I won't have another chance in the future. Yeah, this is hella risky, but you know what, I need to just get out of Vietnam for a while. A mending broken heart needs time to heal and the Chinese have great some great herbal shit for me. So basically, the most affordable way besides directly flying into China, is to start from Saigon and fly to Hanoi for around 250 dollars (More expensive during Tet) Let's take a look at the rest of my itinerary..

Saigon to Hanoi- Cross the border over to Nanning via train.
Nanning --> Guizhou Province (Including Anshun, Zhaoxing, and Kaili)
Guizhou to Chengdu (To play with the pandas and die from spicy food)
Chengdu to Shangri-La (Weather permitting)
Shangri-La to Lijiang
Lijiang to Hekou for the Lao Cai border
and bam back to Hanoi to fly back to Saigon.
All of this in 14 days.

Yay.

Love?

This display should be left all year round

      I didn't expect New Year's Eve to be as festive as it was in Saigon. I assumed that the Vietnamese people's dedication towards Tet would trump any notions of a western new year... especially one that began with January first. How weird is that? I was wrong. The streets were even more packed than Christmas time. Everyone and their mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters were out. Some major roads were blocked off which created opportunities for vendors to sell drinks to deprived people stuck in traffic. Times like these, times like getting stuck in a sea of helmets and soaking in the carbon monoxide, I wished I owned a flying car. Come on scientists, get with it. It's 2012 and there are still no flying cars? Someone's been slacking off to invent worthless inventions like flay keyboard-less computers that have screens that you can touch and show off to people that you're a baller because your screen responds when you touch it. Now only if you're spouse would do the same? Anyways, some major streets in the affluent center of District 1 were adorned with beautiful lights that someone forgot to take down after Christmas. Vietnam is a lot like American in so many ways. One way is that people don't tend to take decorations down until the next big holiday rolls around. I still see Christmas trees a bound, but I don't mind the lights here at all. City lights excite me. LED lights excite me even more. Nothing like a bulb that doesn't really burn out and illuminates without the heat.
     

Hi... hi

Even old hags like Miu Le

Get the fuck off stage, and bring back Miu Le

We love you, Miu Le

Happy new year, Miu!!

      The backpackers' area proved to be disappointing like always. 9 PM and it was relatively dead compared to the rest of Saigon. The Vietnamese knew how to celebrate the white man's holiday more than the white man did. The traffic around De Tham was slightly increased but the crowds remained relatively the same, especially if compared to Christmas. Walking around and peering into the empty eateries reminded me that opening up a restaurant here would be an awesome challenge. Something that I might get

involved with in the near future. That's right, hint hint, in the near future, maybe. Overwhelmed with the dread of the night and the ample cooling trends, I made my way across Pham Ngu Lao and into a lively park.
I stumbled upon an international food festival with some amazing treats from Korea, Japan, Indonesia, China, Vietnam, and Halal stuff too. I made my way towards a crowd and what appeared to be a concert and Cupid sent an arrow through my heart.

Hey little punk!!! wake the fuck up and show Miu Le some respect. 

     Miu Le. What an amazing performer. Her stage presence uplifted my tepid soul into potential oblivion that forced me to put my hand over my heart before it jumped out of my chest. The loud
bass of the speakers made me miss my speakers in America and the volume was ideal for a concert. Kids sat in the front awestruck by her stage movement and I drooled just a little bit to note how graceful she looked when she was trying to force out those high notes by using her diaphragm. Now that is sexy, a woman who knows how to use her diaphgram properly. Sure, she wasn't super hot and I couldn't tell if she was even cute from 200 feet away, but the mere fact that she sang, "I love you" to me made it worth its while. Of course, I had to ignore the fact that she was singing it to every man, woman, and child there as well. But I can't practice being jealous. In a real world setting without hearing her voice, I wouldn't even pursue her. Round faces spell deal breaker. Yes, I'm shallow. But I realized that none of that matter. Her voice was powerful enough to wake me up, yet soft enough to put me into a deep and lasting slumber. As she sang away and even cared about me enough to perform an encore, I was in a dream state where I ignored the crowd around me, pushing into me without saying sorry or taking away my personal space with their plastic chairs. I was a teenage fan girl, twirling my pony tail around and playing with the tips as I watched on at my idol. Slowly, my vagina got slightly wet and I realized that I popped my own cherry... Oh wait... wrong blog..

Even transsexuals like Miu 

Anyways, I really enjoyed Miu Le's vocal abilities and imagined what life would be like if I was her bitch. Yup. Her bitch. Is it possible to fall in love with someone you don't even know? It's not. The fan girl in me, would say yes, but the rational Kyle, yes, he exists, says no. I'm a firm believer that you need to be at least 25 to know what love is. So what the hell was this? Infatuation? Blue balls? Or wonder lust? Not wanderlust, but wonder lust. Whatever it was, for a brief moment, I felt like somebody cared about me again. Even if it was superficial and all in my head. Sometimes we have to live in our heads just to get by. I'm not in a sunshine fairyland. Saigon is far from it. But these brief moments remind me that I'm just fine. Is this a form of depression? Asking questions in a blog like this? Maybe it is, but the best part about it? Is that I'm capable of asking myself these questions and to undermine my very existence. I've lost enough face not to care anymore. This is what I want to embellish upon my students. Not to care what others think, especially people on the internet, but more importantly, be free and be open. Experience the world one jaw dropping moment at a time. I know I'll always remember Miu Le, she'll have a place in my heart. You might think she's unattainable, but I disagree. Sometimes, the only way to show a person that you truly care about and want to be with respect is to just get out of their lives completely if it means giving them peace. No matter how hard it might seem, true love means you are willing to let go. I'll let you go even though I don't want to. Now that's respect. Happy New Year.

Lan va Diep. 

                         

Patience

Numerous man made fishing areas consisting of a dug pond with some dank chairs and straw huts hovering  line Nguyen Van Linh St outside of District 8 towards the country side and 50A Highway. People can rent an area and some fishing poles for about a dollar or two an hour. Bait in the form of crickets, worms, or a processed grain paste might be given for free. Some places will even serve food or will actually prep and cook the fish you just caught.

The murky waters houses tilapia, various cat fish, and a few giant gouramis. Unfortunately, fishing is only exciting when something bites. We didn't have very much luck. 

Just chillin' for a few hours after a hard day's work. 

It's amazing how close this place is to modern Trung Son and a few extra kilometers and mere minutes from Phu My Hung, yet there was a cow under the bridge. The contrasts of money, wealth, and the related  conditions seem to co-exist in relative ease in such close proximity. Of course the guy in his straw and tin single room hut covered in sewer water as the river rises might not be very fond of the rich bastard who drives around all slow in his Porsche Cayenne Turbo. 

Like all the other conveniences here, Vietnamese dessert, "che", was sold by a lady who catered to only one type of che, these little rice flour balls with a hint of ginger. The larger balls are filled with a mung bean paste and a rich sugary coconut sauce was added for sweetness. I've always preferred the little balls. 

As the sun set each individual hut's energy saving fluorescent bulb lit up to ease off the mosquitoes from biting too much. After a couple of hours we didn't manage to catch anything. Perhaps, we didn't have the magic touch. Perhaps we tried too hard. Perhaps we didn't have patience to wait a few more hours. Don't get me wrong, I love fishing. I love using a sharp hook to hook some poor innocent creature's mouth in an attempt to lure them and cheat them of a meal. Yes, let's puncture a fish's mouth and overwhelm them with the threat of death so that we can enjoy reeling them in with a pole and some line. Yes, nothing is more rewarding than that. Real men fish, real men like to stress out fish. 

Then we went ate a pizza.