Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Soft-shell crabs and a promise.
Apparently things aren't over between me and the mysterious girl whose face continues to allude my camera. I know I expressed a sense of termination with that relationship, but as of writing this right now I'm more sure that I'll try my best to make it work even though the scenario isn't ideal right now. The truth is, she just has been busy with school and since I never went through the education system here I can't grasp just how hard or occupied she really was and will still be for the next two months. For those of you who are curious, she is preparing to go to college and examinations here and the overall school experience here is much more rigorous than back home. I told my parents many times that I probably wouldn't be where I'm at today if I had to endure high school in Vietnam. I know I wouldn't be myself. I wouldn't be Kyle.
Our recent problems have stemmed from her not giving me as much attention as I've wanted because she was busy testing midterms. Supposedly she has 13 classes- a number I can't even fathom because I took five classes during my senior year including two electives. I was making the effort the past two weeks and the response I got back was relatively cold. I would see her online from time to time and text messages weren't entirely answered completely. Calling her was difficult because she was just exhausted from spending all morning, afternoon, and nights at school- sometimes six of seven days a week. That's right, seven straight days of endless studying. Physics, chemistry, calculus, and some more on top of that. Night time tutoring with forty other kids. Private tutors to her home all the way in Thu Duc District (Really far from Phu My Hung). My proposals to hang were often shot down. For a while I thought she just simply didn't care. I was petty and thought she was picking and over exaggerating her situation. I thought she was just fed up with my cussing or antics.
I finally saw her again yesterday after about a ten day absence. I wasn't full of emotion or rage. Thrilled by the notion of seeing her, the foot injury I sustained from some jackass ramming into me felt perfectly fine. We met up in District 3 near her school where I had just two hours to entertain her before her 7 o' clock extra math class. 7 PM, btw, not AM. I offered her two options on where to go and she quickly shot both down. I gave up and didn't know the area at all. I realized my mistake and lack of assertiveness but was it really my fault? I had already given her two restaurant options and she said no to both. I reluctantly agreed to go to Ngoc Suong. It was close by and it looked nice enough. I knew Ngoc Suong would be expensive, but I spent the last two days eating table scraps and instant noodles to prepare for this date. My food costs for the last two days totaled only about 80,000 dong- that's a little more than four dollars for two days.Peeking at the menu prices I almost flipped out, but it's okay, I wanted to spoil her because unofficially she's my girlfriend and I fancy her.
I never had soft-shell crab before and she knew exactly what to order. After a bit of confusion over availability we got down to business and enjoyed a nice salad as well. The meal was light. She told me she wasn't that hungry so she ordered two more delicious egg rolls. Typical Vietnamese right? Things went well. I didn't cuss and I was moderately unemotional. We discussed where we stood right then and there. I told her about how I felt within the past few weeks and she suggested that I be more understanding. The frustrations just stemmed from the disappointment of getting constantly neglected. I didn't want to push her too hard on this. The more I asked and griped the more she will become distant. She needs her own space and I just need to trust her. I have to trust that she really is busy and that my presence my compromise her future education. A part of me is glad she chose school over me, but the selfish part of me begs to differ. She suggested that I wait just another two months and then she won't be as busy. I looked her in the eyes and promised I'll try my best not to be so discouraged at her unwillingness.
But everything has a limit. Is it really a relationship if one side constantly feels like the other party is uninterested? Is it fair to me to wait around and get tempted by other women? If I can't handle the next two months, how am I going to take things to the next level with her and what about when I eventually go back to America? My time here is limited. I could go back at a moments notice. I'm impatient and I want this relationship to move faster or stop completely. Sometimes I just have to calm down and breath and remind myself that she is good for me even though she's really different and we've already lost some of the magic we originally had. She isn't as nurturing as she once was and she tries to change me or suggest that I change certain bad habits. She isn't as thankful of my generosity as she once was and sometimes I feel like she's gotten used to me and doesn't appreciate me as much as in the beginning. Is this already how a typical loveless Vietnamese marriage usually begins? Am I in one of those relationships where the man eventually will have to cheat on his partner because she just is being too Vietnamese? Is it mostly the Vietnamese women's fault that their husbands aren't faithful to them? I think so.
So what should I do? Should I keep at this juggling affair where I constantly feel like she doesn't care enough about me or should I terminate what eventually might be a disaster? I don't want to give up on her because I believe in this relationship but at the same time, I'm just tired. Honestly speaking though, I think this is the longest relationship I've ever been in ever. Most women find me highly attractive in the beginning but once they get to know me they see just how overbearing I can be. Maybe I'll really improve myself after all this. So what do you guys thinks? I can't push her into a corner and make her choose between me or school. It's pretty obvious that I will lose. Should I have to endure a relatively one sided relationship? By the way, the meal wasn't all that expensive... Maybe 20 bucks or so.